45

I'll be 45 years old this year. Although everyone agrees to say that I look much younger and I act the same, smoking and drinking almost every day and sometimes until early morning (last dinner last until 9:00 a.m. !), I start to think about me myself and I. I guess It comes with the age, really. There is a big difference between how you look and how you feel. People I know in the city are, for most of them, much younger, and It is obvious that It exists a gap between us sometimes : the way they act, they go out, they live as there was no tomorrow when I ask myself every month how will I be able to carry on renovating my flat or pay the taxes, the way they flirt or their non-comitment with any lover they can meet or their non existing worry if they don't go to work the day after because they went out until too early this morning. I start to ask myself if I will have enough time to do everything I plan to before dying or getting too old. Will I have enouhg strenght as well ? Being able to make choices ? Do I want to stop a nice and trustfull relationship from someone who deeply loves me just because I openly want to live my fetish ? having sexual intercourses that I never had before ? meeting someone even better from my point of view ? I sometimes have the feeling being dual, which is very strange because It does defintely not belong to my way of being. The past two months, I rented a room in my flat to a woman, nearly my age, who quit everything she had to start all over again. She now wants to become a costume designer for the movie industry and I am pretty sure she will soon succeed. I did change my life many times but am I able to take the chance again if It knocks on my door once more ? Let's see what happens at 5:55.