Betrayal

I am not afraid of meeting men. I am not afraid neither to ask them to go out. I am not afraid of going out with a nice guy whenever I meet one. I am not afraid of inviting him at home and spend the rest of the afternoon / night / week-end at home if it’s worth to. I am afraid of what comes next. As long as it is a sex story, all fine. We went last night to “warm up” at Laboratory (under Berghain, only for men and dress code to pay attention of) and there you can have sex just because you’re there and you’ve come for that. Then we ended up at Berghain because I was bored and I don’t like darkroom. It’s dark (!!) and I like to see and learn about people than meeting his dick. People seem sad and consuming flesh without feelings makes me cry. This guy I met the other day : I asked him to come out of the metro as I had to change station, just because he smiled and I decided spontaneously to give it a try. And it worked. He followed, quick chit chat, he’s a tourist so it’s a one night stand. We went out together last night and it went very well. He just left and I can’t help thinking “what if …?”. It’s not “could he be the one ?” because even if we can go well along together we live in opposite worlds. His travel book testifies. Even if it does not happen very often, when it does, it hurts in the end but can’t help doing it. Just for the pleasure of it, feeling man flesh and breathing it. I don’t bite unless I’m asked to, but discovering a new body, weaknesses and pleasures, is a great source of satisfaction. On the contrary, if you promise to call back, I expect you to do it. The other time, another guy starts to talk to me at the supermarket. Nice chat on the way home and we gave each other our phone number. He said “I’ll call you, promise”, and never did. I talked about it at an evening dinner with German and they confirmed what I thought. First, men are afraid to discover themselves. Letting someone entering your world does not seem an option and that explains certainly why sex places are famous here. No talk, no self confidence, no strings attached. Next, please. Second, men think that on the next corner, another guy will fit better the tasks list. So, as a “guy next door”, you have no chance. After a while, you just don’t think about him anymore, nevertheless, there is a feeling of betrayal, somehow. Strangely, I noticed in my personal life, betrayal is part of it. I’ve been through it many times when I never thought this could happen to me. How can someone you trust can hurt you for his own purpose ? I’m learning everyday and even if I do mistakes, I assume and sometimes, apologize. It seems that 2008 will end up with less friends than in the beginning of the year, sadely, but on the other hand, new friendship begins. So, is this only an everlasting start ? People come and go in your life and only a “happy few” remain with you forever ? I know we are all in constant evolution, so I guess after a while with some people, the recipe is not functioning anymore. Even at work, sometimes, you have to be so diplomatic, taking care of not hurting your colleagues. But It ends always the same. For whichever reason, one day you just say what you think, or you ask a task to be done with the wrong words or ton. When everything should go simply, human has this ability to bounce in your face what is less expected. Creating a temper at work is traumatic. And when you know you stay with those people the biggest part of your day, taking care of your feelings is “hard work” and takes a lot of energy. And you don’t see those events appear. But I’ll manage. Life is not work. What counts is what you make outside. Berlin, at this very moment, is strangely warm, 15°C, which is for us unusual. Normally at this period of the year, I remember having seen snow. The city starts slowly (but surely) to prepare itself for Christmas and It’s a drama. People begins to think about it when we still have a lot of time to organize the party and the gifts. Let’s open a window again for a little while and breathe some evening's fresh air.