I should I would I could

Strangely (or not ?) I have less issues with my homosexuality now than before. Is it due to the fact that I am older or because I accepted it ? It took many years before I feel comfortable with it. Of course I leave in a big city and a very tolerant one. I don’t talk about going hand in hand with your lover and I will not go provoking right extreems wearing pink lycra. We all had our issues at school, the real first experience of life and I will not go back to every little nice word and insult I heard about me or my behaviours, whatever they were. And I understand more gays now ; why you find queers or bears (we can’t help categorizing following your sexual orientation : you also have fetish, leather … but It is another story, I just give you the antipodes) because either you play agressively the woman or you play agressively … the man to cruise with … men of course. But rarely I saw all those groups together mixing outside the what we call here Gay Pride or worldwide known as CSD, Christopher Street Day as a bad memory. I guess after big moments of solitude you’re getting stronger and that helps to carry on with your own perspective. Comes the choice of course of what you really want to show and my biggest mistake was to choose the wrong side : to want to fit the mold (listen to religion, education, looking at Mum and Dad, their look on you, bla bla bla. You hide what you really are and that is why you find so many married men on the parking areas of the motorway waiting to give a blow job : they obeyed the rules of their community (OK, some like it as well …). Once you made your choice and assume it be careful to be with the right people. Years ago I thought I was with the right ones but I noticed after some personal issues that I was with them because I was used as the good ol’ friend, you know, the gay one. Oh this one, yes this one. I was used as a social mark of opened minded people. Look ! we have a gay in our circle ! Aren’t we fantastic ? No Darlin’ you’re definitely not. Once I took conscience of it I turned the action to my advantage and started either to be the funniest guy of the party (without being rude of course or maybe just a bit to show that I can be rough as well), or to be unbeatable on any subject (but It’s hard work) or much funnier to be able to give advices and to talk openly about the positive points of being gay and to show the others they have all wrong and how boring their life is and they are themselves. Strangely I never received invitations again. Some people followed me for a while just to spy but I never carried on contacting them. I had new friends and a new life to realize. Came years of uncertainty, loneliness and search. I made so many mistakes in my life that since a few years I have the feeling it really starts because I am finally myself. And I would need a second life to really live something interesting but I don’t believe in reincarnation. It’s not that I am scarying people but I am not afraid to confirm what the others think about me. I don’t say that I can’t be hurt anymore (moraly and/or physically) but I am prepared ; what I was not in my early age. Nobody tells you because nobody accepts it. So you learn by yourself and once you’re proud of what you are or you show you’re strong enough to fight nobody bothers you anymore about your « differences » (unfortunatly it is the way you feel but why should it be me who’s different ?). I have an example : last Saturday I went swimming. I made a break at the middle of my training (and also because I had a cramp) and a man entered the pool. He had such a big and strong body, you wouldn’t believe : shoulders, slim abs stomach (our nightmare to us, men) little hairy with a tan and very attractive … but legs of 50 cm. Not a dwarf, and his higher body well built, but the lower part very short. When I saw him I was briefly distracted of course but you knew looking at him he will give to all of us a lesson. That’s the moment I always choose to look at the other ones, what’s their reaction. I can very well imagine how it hurts to be watched, fixed … and judged, sometimes with laughs. Once in the water there was no way to compete. He blew all of us even the ones who tried with legs. Respect, man. Some would have chosen to hide. Another one : take my deafs friends : you can’t communicate with me ? no problem, babe, you’re not allowed to come in my group. Aouch ! … that hurts again. One of my colleague learned hands signs. He’s teaching me at coffee breaks. Not that complicated actuallly but the time I sign a word they will either be all gone or dead laughing. I’d rather choose the second option. At least we could laugh together. It’s another side to explore : keeping your proud but to not be afraid of laughing about yourself. It shows you’re accessable and that you know yourself. Also you’re not that stupid arrogant french who believes he rules the world. Maybe It’s a sign of happiness or wisdom. Or I am really getting older.