Wednesday, August 15, 2007

How to gauge if you're being a psycho


Just been dumped? While waiting for his calls it is acceptable to pace the floor, chain-smoke, take four baths to help you relax, cry, let your stomach churn, spend hours staring at the phone, pour your heart out to your friends and repeatedly reread his old texts for any clues of just when and why he changed his mind about you. It is unacceptable to tearfully ring him in the middle of the night and demand to know why he doesn’t love you. If you’ve done any of the following, we’re extremely cross with you:
- You’ve been crying over his photographs Okay, he won’t know, but it’s time to pull yourself together.
- You’ve been listening obsessively to that last voicemail message of his Oh, just give us the phone so we can delete it. You’ll drive yourself mad.
- You sold the story of your “heartache” to a tabloid newspaper Okay,but we would have preferred a glossy. We just hope you got a fair price for it.
- You phoned him after that last “you’ve been dumped” conversation, begging him to change his mind That’s the limit. You’re starting to look desperate. It’s not as if he’s Brad Pitt.
- You phoned a friend of his. To beg for his help to get him back Oh, for goodness’ sake, girl!
- You phoned his mother You’re boring us now.
- You’ve been loitering outside his home, looking at his bedroom window No, no, no. Do not go there again. You should be loitering in your own bedroom. With someone else.
- You’re wearing woollen tights Get a grip.
- You’re wearing flat shoes We give in.
Pour yourself a vodka, then tot up how many times you said “yes”.
0-2 Well done. Have you read us before or something? Now let’s get you a new man.
3-10 Girlfriend, you’re not taking this well. Let us be frank. You’re turning into one of those monstrous stalking-weeping-psycho-bitches-from-hell. You’re in danger of going from Great to Glenn Close. You’ve got work to do. We want you with a perfect score. And gusset-free.
.
in "the naughty girl's guide to life" by Tara Palmer-Tomkinson and Sharon Marshall. Source : The Sunday Times (Style issue, August 12th, 2007)

No comments: